August 28, 2012

sunshine is just beyond the clouds

I don't know how to begin this post. Mostly because I'm not sure if I should write it. I try to keep this blog really light-hearted and to focus on the good things. Not because I want anyone to have any sort of false idea that my life is "perfect" but because I want to remember the positive things in my life when I look back and read my blog books. However, there are some important things that happen in my life that are sometimes not so happy.
I don't want to get into the details or wallow too much in self-pity but I've been struggling with a bit of post-partum depression recently. I thought I was handling life with two kids pretty well until about three weeks ago and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have some dear friends who have struggled with PPD in the past and I could never really empathize with them. I mean, "having a baby is the best!", "why would you ever feel sad when you have a sweet, healthy baby?", "how could anyone not love everything about being a mom?" Well, I understand now about feeling overwhelmed and feeling physically sick because my life is chaos. I understand about not finding joy in small things like I used to. I understand about feeling incredible guilt piling on top of me every time I fail to do something I want or need to. I understand what it's like feel ashamed that motherhood wasn't fulfilling me like it used to. This was not me and I certainly felt like something was wrong. In reality, these feelings had nothing to do with my children, my husband or even my life. I knew that but I was still struggling to be happy.

Things have gotten better since those days when everything felt like a hot mess. One of my best friends gave me some good advice and cautioned me to not let things spiral downward. That gave me the boost I needed to make some necessary changes I needed to get me out of this hole. The first step was realizing that my hormones were creating havoc on me physically and emotionally and I had to give myself a break. It's not because I am a bad mom. The second was to remember that this phase doesn't last forever. The hard moments will fade away and the good moments, if I focus on them, will create a memory to buoy up my strength the next time I feel down. For all the tears I've shed lately I have learned a few valuable lessons: 

1. Prayer and meditation are key to connecting my spirit and body. Having some time every day to be quiet and think really improves my overall feeling about my life. The other evening I put on my ear buds and took a walk at twilight by myself. I listened to this talk and prayed. I cried in relief as I heard a prophet of the Lord say, "Tenderly the Master speaks to these and indeed to all: 'Come back. Come up. Come in. Come home. Come unto me.'" It renewed me and helped me remember that God loves me, as imperfect as I am, and that I can improve with His help.
2. Fill your life with as much joy as you can. Every time I felt sad or overwhelmed over the last few weeks, I would stop and tell myself to look around and find at least one thing that made me grateful. Things tend to pile up on my grateful list as I start naming my blessings one by one. I also found that surrounding myself with my closest friends was really helpful. Even though I didn't feel like socializing (really out of character for me) I forced myself and it made me feel so much better.
3. Don't sweat the small stuff. I used to find this so much easier to do but lately, the cereal crunched into my rug or the blocks I've tripped over and the screaming kids in the car on the way to the grocery store made me burst into tears. I started just laughing one day at the ridiculousness of it all and it made me realize that it's all OK. I'm doing just fine. The cereal can be vacuumed up, the blocks can be put away and we will complete our grocery store outing in one piece. 
4. Sleep. Duh, right? Don't stay up late because it's the only time you have to yourself. Put the kids to bed, take a bath and go to bed. You won't regret it in the morning.
5. Make good, small choices. I realized that by choosing to eat something healthy instead of ten cookies for lunch or by choosing to read to William instead of getting on the computer while the baby napped, I felt so much better about how the day went. Those things may seem insignificant at the moment but at the end of the day, when I'm evaluating everything, those choices make me feel better or worse depending on what I chose.

I look at my life and it is really good. Really, really good. I have this awesome husband who is sweet and supportive. He tries so hard to make me happy. I am so grateful for him. I have two sweet, healthy, happy boys who make my life really joyful. I have a wonderful family, health, happiness and so many other things and I want to concentrate on that. And it always helps to remember that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it".

22 comments:

  1. Sending you lots and lots of love. I struggled with PPD after my first child and I truly believe the most toxic and damaging thing about it is the isolation and self-doubt (about our worth as mothers) it creates. I love the concrete steps you outline here and hope the sun comes out very soon. xox

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  2. I love your blog and your sunny personality. I will be sending love your way and praying you will feel better soon! Your boys are blessed to have YOU for their mom and what a lucky husband you have as well. Hang in there...things will get better!

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  3. As someone who has suffered with PPD after all 4 of my children, I really like your tips as well. However, I would also say that part of the cause is hormones and some women will not be able to balance those hormones without medication and they shouldn't feel bad about it, anymore than a diabetic has to take insulin to balance their body. Thanks for putting it out there. I think so many women have guilt about PPD so it is nice to let woman know they are not alone.

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    1. Thanks for bringing up the medication topic, Bedelia. I am personally choosing not to take medication because I don't think I need it. However, I truly encourage it for those who need it. Anti-depression medication really can help balance out hormones and chemical imbalances, you are right. Thanks for your comment. :)

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  4. Virtual Hugs!
    I'm so glad you posted.
    I found the "baby blues" much more difficult to overcome with Baby #2. I think the inability to nap when my son napped and the underlying guilt of trying to divide my time between two equally needy and deserving tiny people has been the biggest challenge.
    My son is now 10.5 months and it has gotten easier as he has gotten more mobile and independent, but I'm not sure if I can ever completely override my guilt. I'd love to know how someone with many children balances their marriage, their children and their own needs without feeling guilty. I guess it varies from person to person...
    I'm glad you posted! I completely understand where you are coming from regarding medications and I'm glad you mentioned them in the comments, as they are also an appropriate course of action for PPD.

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  5. Man, I needed to read this today. Especially #5, making good, small choices is something I can work on and I know I will see an improvement. As I look back on this horrible day I had today, I can see clearly where I could have made better choices that would have steered it back on track.

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  6. When my kids were small I often found myself joining the chorus of crying as we drove in the car -- and sometimes I was the leading soloist!!! It is definitely okay to cry, especially when it is followed by a good laugh!
    Liz, you really are an amazing mom, and even more important, you are a precious daughter of God with infinite worth. I know that the Lord will help you through any challenge you face. The 5 lessons you've learned are wonderful, and I know that they will bless you and your family.
    Be patient with yourself -- it takes 9 long months to bring a new baby into this world, and sometimes it takes more than 9 months before our bodies/hormones fully recover! Don't worry if there are days that you are still in your pajamas at bedtime...just look at it as one less outfit to have to wash! :)
    Sending lots of love and sunshiney days!

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    1. Janna! You are so sweet. I miss you! Thanks for your comment. It made my day to hear from you! And I love your approach to wearing pajamas! Haha!

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  7. Liz, my Love. Give yourself a big fat hug fro me. So very true. Sunshine is just beyond the clouds. Luckily my clouds are moving on over now and I know yours will too. Motherhood and all that comes with postpartumness is the HARDEST thing I've dealt with in my 30 years of living. As you know, I've had PPD with all four and have survived it with all four too. We got this Mama! Hopefully I'll be heading home to San Diego soon! There's nothing like being around your favorite peeps to lift your spirits. LOVE YOU!!! Thanks for continually inspiring, impressing, and sharing with us with your blog :)

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    1. Lela, I love you and miss you dearly. Your support during this time has been so helpful. Your friendship has always been a bright spot in my life - which is why I miss you so much! :( Come back soon!

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  8. Bless your little heart. Though I can't relate (OBVIOUSLY, read: no children), I know how frustrating life can be when you have your "ideal" that things just don't seem to fit into. I also am so impressed at the happy tone that oozes from your blog, despite what you are going through emotionally. I want you to know that I think the world of you and and think that you make this whole motherhood thing look like a breeze. :)

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  9. Liz, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I feel like a horrible friend because I haven't been good at calling to catch up lately. Hormones really are a crazy, crazy thing. I am going to the doctor tomorrow actually to get mine tested, because I feel out of whack right now too. Having children is the most wonderful but hardest thing all at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing, Liz. Please call me if you ever want to chat. I know I'm a whole state away, but you can call me anytime. You are such an amazing mom, wife and woman. You inspire me to be a better person. I hope you know that. Love ya! :)

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  10. I had PPD after my second child was born ... almost 10 years ago. I wasn't sure if I would survive that time of my life. BUT I did and you will, too. Take it one moment at a time. I will pray for you.

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  11. I really like your lessons you have learned. What a blessing to have blogs and share as mothers tips and experiences with one another. I have been reading your blog for awhile but do not comment often. Thank you for your honesty, being a mom is amazing and so hard at the same time. The miracle of being a mother brings so many unexpected emotions (some pleasant, some not so pleasant). It is obvious from reading your blog you are a great mother, that's why I keep coming back. I hope you continue to feel more peace, and find the balance you are looking for.

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  12. i'm so proud of you, these words are beautiful. i'm sure i will need to come back and read them at some point. but then again, maybe someday, i'll be able to just run over to your house instead ;o)

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    1. Oh yes! Yes, please! I miss talking to you late in the night, reading your thoughtful roommate notes after a long day and just relishing in your wise insight. Love ya M!

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  13. Fortunately for me, I haven't ever been through PPD, but these amazing tips you give are so much more life lessons than lessons only for those suffering from depression! Thank you SO much for reminding me to focus on what's important and to choose to do things that will make me truly happy. You are so insightful Liz!

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  14. thanks for sharing...i think talking about it is 1)brave and 2)helps with overcoming

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  15. Thank you for this, Liz! I am a long time reader of yours, and I appreciate your honesty. So many blogs out there are all about the pretty that I need to stop reading them so I don't feel like I'm the only loser out there. And I use "loser" loosely. My little boy Leo will be 3 in November and my baby girl Naomi will be just turning 4 mos. on the 1st of Sept. I find myself pining for the simpler days of one child and how magical my life felt. And now, well, getting out is harder, cleaning up is harder, concentrating on both is harder, but I feel like I'm getting out of my hole too. I'm sure just as my belly took longer to go down (still going down), so will my life settle. We just need to give ourselves a break, which is so hard sometimes, to reason btwn. giving yourself a break and taking responsibility for the things you need to change. Ah, LIFE! Love it and love you! Keep it up! xoxo - Jill (msdapore) in Cincy

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  16. Thank you all for the positive comments. You've really helped buoy my strength even more. I love blogging for this reason - new friends who are positive influences on my life. Thank you.

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  17. I'm so glad that you posted this. I know that your life isn't perfect- no one's is. But you do a great job of posting about the beautiful things in your life. This is still a beautiful part of your life. It's made me feel like I'm not a failure for feeling these same things sometimes.
    Thanks so much for sharing your ideas. I'm going to try them.

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