the sweetest gift

Yesterday William and I made Halloween sugar cookies for our neighbors. I'll be honest - this is the kind of thing that, as I watched my little boy take such pride in his ability to do this, I thought, "I've been dreaming about this exact moment my whole life."

You see, I always wanted to be a mom. Having 9 older siblings gave me that dream really early (I became an aunt at 5 years old) but as much as I love my nieces and nephews I dreamed of the day when I would have my own babies, who ran to my arms when they cried. My babies, who were talking about me when they said "Mama". My babies, who I got to dress up and make Halloween costumes for. My babies, who I read stories to before bedtime and snuggled with in the dark. My babies, who I would get to make cookies with and teach how to do the things I'm good at.

He stood on the chair to reach the counter and his little, dimpled hands held that butter knife very steadily. He dipped it in the frosting and carefully dotted the cookies a few times before looking at me for approval. I looked in his bright eyes, praised him, kissed his cheeks and thought, "I want to remember how grateful I feel that I'm here right now." So here I am writing this and feeling tired . . . but the good kind.