August 17, 2011

encouraging nuturing

William has a little bunny that he sleeps with. We call him "Foo Foo". It's pretty adorable when your baby boy latches onto something soft and squishy.
A few months ago, we were at my sister's house and William was playing in my niece, Mary's, room. He came walking into the living room, holding and cuddling one of her baby dolls. I had never seen him hold a doll before and started laughing when my sister said, "Don't make a big deal out of that! In fact, encourage it. Boys need to learn how to be sweet and gentle to babies too." I realized how true that is (Alice is a fount of wisdom). It made me think about how much this world is changing. I think this kind of teaching is part of what's fostering more boys to grow into men who are willing husbands that help around the house more and change the baby's diaper. I'm all for teaching my son to be a man who doesn't think that taking care of the baby is only the woman's job. I want my boys to be involved fathers. I believe that "mothers are primarily responsible for the nuture of their children" but I also believe "that fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (from The Family: A Proclamtion to the World). What do you think? Do you encourage or disuade your boys from anything not traditionally seen as masculine?

13 comments:

  1. My boys are 11 and 7 and still have every stuffed animal they have collected over the years; some as old as them. I am blessed to have a husband that is present and involved with all of us (and he is very huggy affectionate - most Italians are!). They are rough when playing sports but still love to snuggle up at night on the couch while we read together. I count these as some of life's most treasured gifts.

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  2. My oldest son has somewhat of a shortage of boy toys, since we have two older girls, and we've never made a big deal out of his penchant for wearing necklaces and carrying around purses (hey, everyone else is doing it!)--although my husband did draw the line at painted toenails. But nothing warms my heart quite as much as seeing my son tenderly pat his little brother on the head, or run to get him toys, or sing him little songs. I love your point about how encouraging nurturing behavior in our sons makes them into the kind of fathers our grandchildren will need. I consider myself really fortunate to have a husband who models that kind of behavior for our sons.

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  3. I feel I should introduce myself as one of your stalkers before I comment. Ha ha! You were featured on Young House Love ages ago and I've been a follower of your blog ever since - I don't believe I've commented before. Our sons are about the same age, so I enjoy reading your posts about William so I can see how my Ben compares to another little boy his age. :)

    I have a few necklaces that Ben has taken as his own and I see nothing wrong with letting him play with them. He also really loves to take apart my wallet, so I gave him one of my old ones to play with. When he struts around in my shoes, I think it's the cutest thing ever. Would I encourage him to wear a dress? Probably not. But if he wants to play tea party or carry a dolly, I don't see what's wrong with that. They're little and it's all innocent play. :)

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  5. this is one of those dichotomous moments in our parenting. my husband would tell you to his grave that he things anything less than masculine will lead to a gay son. i couldn't disagree more. and since little man has recently taken to his little stuffed squishy things, and they help him sleep, he might be starting to get over it. ;)

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  6. Its pretty difficult to separate the "boy stuff" from the "girl stuff" at our house, and I truly don't worry about it. The boys often want to wear Audrey's dresses because she gets so much attention for wearing them, and I let them put them on. It never lasts long. If I put a bow or flower in her hair, they want one too. I don't let them wear them out. They are starting to realize that "Daddy doesn't wear ponytails, but Mommy does, so that must be a girl thing" on their own. Audrey loves super girly things all on her own, but was the first of the three of them to make a real car sound while playing with their little cars. She doesn't really want anything to do with the boys while they are rough housing and wrestling though. I think its important to let kids explore all kinds of things, and I don't think it will cause harm. Besides, no one ever thinks its inappropriate for a girl to wear a baseball cap. They're just kids, and they figure out on their own what is appropriate and what isn't. What is really important is having a strong male role model and a lot of love in the home.

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  7. Oh, gosh, preventing boys from playing with dolls or "girl stuff" (dolls are not "girl stuff" - both genders will be parents some day!) makes me soooooo mad. And sad. And then mad again. :)

    Any child in this house can play with any toy he or she wants, and imagine whatever he or she wants with it. They can also wear whatever color or pattern they want. Boys may also have their toenails painted if they so desire. Girls may have short hair.

    I don't force anyone to go any one particular way, of course, but I do try to make a point to offer the things that don't necessarily get offered in regular society (dolls and pink and purple for boys, science, math, and anything BUT pink for girls!)

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  8. I guess I'll come out of the comment closet on this one...I have a boy and a girl. They are so young right now, so all the toys are grouped together. It would be pretty hypocritical to tell my son to stop playing with dolls because my daughter is just as enthused with the trucks and trains. Teach children about their identity, and they can figure out the rest. A friend of mine has an 8-year-old boy who loves the movie Tangled (and won't admit to it), but it doesn't stop him from being "tough" and "aggressive" when playing with the other boys.
    I know that there will come a time that my two won't want to play together, so I'm enjoying the time I have now--whether it will be with Barbies or with dinosaurs.

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  9. I'm pregnant with my son right now & I know his first few years will be bombarded with dolls and girly things belonging to his older sister. I think your sister's advice is great - let them explore and try nurturing a baby (or whatever), but don't make a big deal out of it. My guess is that by the time he is in preschool he will want to play with lightsabers or what ever is popular among the preschool boys.

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  10. Have you seen the wonderful children's book, William's Doll? It is a sweet story {so similar to your own William} about a little boy that plays with a doll and shifting our perspective about stereotypes. You'll love this book.

    http://www.amazon.com/Williams-Doll-Charlotte-Zolotow/dp/0060270470/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313775362&sr=8-1

    I have three children and my son had a teeny tiny baby, he named Daba, that he played with all during my second pregnancy. He's 12 now and while he doesn't play dolls anymore, he's so gentle, kind, an old soul, sensitive and wise. I always say I'd like to raise a Renaissance Boy. . .one who enjoys all the sports he plays, yet is compassionate, plays the cello, kind to younger childen and can play with his two younger sisters. And hopefully the same kind of husband and father one day. :)

    Enjoy every moment!

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  11. Little boys become daddys. We encourage being a daddy from the get-go.

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  13. As an almost-graduated-psychologist I am a FIRM believer in allowing children the freedom to play with most anything, despite what society may say is appropriate for boys v. girls. As other commenters have stated or alluded to, it is incredibly important for boys to feel empowered in their masculinity, regardless of their interests, and the same for girls.

    A boy will not become gay because he played with dolls, occasionally had his toenails painted, or heaven forbid dislikes sports and prefers artistic endeavors (the theater- gasp!). However, his sense of masculinity and eventually his sexual identity will likely feel threatened if others tell him he is being "less of a man/boy" and "acting like a girl." If he hears that often enough, or receives those subtle messages, he may begin to question whether should in fact be attracted to the same sex, since he has interests or is acting like the opposite sex. In my anecdotal and professional opinion, this leads to no good things, especially for the psyche and self-esteem of the child.

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