Having a miscarriage at Christmas time seems to be really awful timing. Before I knew we had lost the baby I was thinking about what kinds of gifts Santa would bring him or her next year and that by next Christmas I'd be holding a 6ish month old baby while he or she watched big brother opening gifts while proudly holding up his or her little baby head. I thought about how I'd have "kids" now and how the holidays would be so magical with double the excitement.
Once the reality hit I was looking at our Christmas tree and thinking how sad I felt. Christmas is a hard time to lose anyone but it's also really blessed timing to experience sorrow when you're concentrating on the life of the Savior and all the good parts of Christmas. I was watching Scrooge the other night (my favorite version with Albert Finney) and I felt this intense love for Christmas and that we celebrate such a wonderful occasion every year.
What I've realized about how I'm handling this miscarriage has really surprised me. My natural inclination in almost any sad circumstance in my life usually results in bouts of depression, sad music and crying fests with a bag of peanut butter m&ms. Over the last week or so I've tried to get there because that's where I'm comfortable grieving. That place is where I've woed over lost boyfriends, feelings of teenage self-esteem anxiety and loneliness. But I just can't get there. When I start to feel like I'm slipping into any degree of depression, I can't help but look at my life and how grateful I am for all the good in my life.
I guess the best way to move forward after any kind of sorrow is to focus on gratitude. There's always a lesson to be learned in any situation in life and this is the one I'm learning during this particularly hard time in mine. "Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God's love." - Thomas S. Monson