December 8, 2010

sad.

I was pregnant. And now I'm not.
I'm having a D and C today. Never in a million years did I think I would have a miscarriage. I secretly always prided myself on my healthy reproductive system, which is probably why I'm here now. It's either irony or a life lesson from God (probably a little of both).

My mom told me about her first miscarriage. She told me about how empty she felt. That's exactly how I feel at this moment. There is literally a part of me that is gone now and I feel incomplete. I know that it will get better and I have hope that I'll have more children, but I still feel incredibly sad. I wasn't going to post about this because it's hard to even think about but this is my journal and this experience is still a part of my "glorious, happy life in paradise."

Here are my comforts right now:

1. William and his sweet kisses. Already having a child makes this a billion times easier. When I start to feel sad, I think about how I've already been blessed with such a beautiful boy and I feel incredibly humbled and grateful.
2. David, who comes home from work to no dinner and a wife crying in bed. He climbs in with his work clothes on and holds me - just what I need.
3. My mother. She came to be with me and I'm so grateful she's here. No matter how old you get, sometimes you just really need your mom.
4. The knowledge that my body is remarkable and knows what's best. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but I feel blessed that this happened before I was too far along and spent months and months planning for this baby.
5. Faith and prayer.
6. The future (that's as bright as my faith).
7. This post (via Marta). Normally these blog posts about the loss of a child just make me so deep-down-to-my-core-depressed. The couple's pain is almost tangible in their writing and I often find myself so sad that I've banned myself from reading them. This post did the opposite. I can't imagine losing a child just days after he was born and I certainly can't imagine being so courageous and inspiring as this mother is. I feel so grateful that she wrote this and that I read it last night.

"I have been forced to recognize blessings even when things have gone terribly wrong and now, more than ever before, my expressions of thanks and testimony are not contingent upon positive test results, successful medical procedures and good health, rather they are rooted in intangible gifts, persons and experiences which cannot be taken away from me." - from her inspiring post

68 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today. I am so sorry for your family. I had my first miscarriage/D&C in March of this year. So so hard. So many emotions. My nurses cried with me before the D&C. Glad you are surrounded by a loving husband and mom right now and an all knowing Heavenly Father.

    Time help heals....I promise. I blogged through all of it and it was so amazing the amount of support that came in. I could never have imagined just how many women suffer this loss and sent such sweet words of encouragement.

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  2. Oh, Liz...this is a situation where words really never do or say enough. I'm happy to hear your attitute is one of faith and understanding, that's a hard sell for most in your position. My prayers and thoughts are definitely with you and your family. Lean on your husband, he's a good man. I feel honored to call you you a friend, Liz. Pray hard, pray often and know your Heavenly Father is proud of you and loves you to no end.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear this. I too had my first m/c and subsequent D and C this past March. I am pregnant again, but I will never forget that pregnancy. Praying for you.

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  4. You just put everything in HF's hands and the pure joy of your son's smiles... Your baby sweet spirit's back to heaven for a big/better plan that it has to come yet - you'll see. Everything will be fine by tomorrow, and after tomorrow and so on. Your body will heal, and your heart too. We'll remember your family in our family prayers.

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  5. I am so sorry for you loss! I feel touched by your thoughts during this difficult time! Although I'm only a follower of your blog, I hope this comment can bring you comfort as it would from a friend, but truly your little one is so pure and too sacred for this life. I know this from experiences, but now you have all the more reason to obtain eternity with your wonderful family knowing the sweet spirit that awaits you!

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear this and it brought back my own miscarriages. You feel so empty and so so sad but time does help and hopefully you will go on to have more children. I had my son then had a miscarriage. I then had my daughter, followed by another miscarriage before having my second daughter. I never forget the children I've lost, they're always in my heart and one day I'll meet them in Heaven. That I do believe. Stay strong and have lots of cuddles with William. You're in my thoughts and prayers. xxx

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  7. I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage last Dec 11th, there are no "perfect" words to make you feel whole again. I too felt blessed in an odd kind of way and had faith that our Heavenly Father has a great Plan for us.

    I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

    Blessings

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  8. Oh Liz, I'm so sorry. You are part of a huge group of women that share the sadness of miscarriage. I'm part of that group, many times over, yet, each time I felt kind of alone. I would have been so depressed had it not been for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can tell you that the thing that helped me the most was to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Sometime I'll tell you of some of the great experiences that happened after I miscarried. Those experiences always testified to me that I have a Heavenly Father, and that he knows me, and loves me. My prayers are with you and your sweet family.

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  9. I will pray for you! I can't imagine how hard this must be. God holds every tear you cry in His hands.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss dear Liz, you will be in my thought & prayers.

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry. I know nothing I say will help very much, but you can know that me and my little family will be thinking about you today.

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  12. Prayers, light and love are flooding in around you. Hope you are well soon.

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  13. Sorry for your loss. Praying for you today.

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  14. I wish I could give you a hug or bring you a treat or something because I know words don't make it any better. Cry as much as you need to and let your sweet husband continue to hold you. when Ryan and I had our miscarriage I was so self absorbed that I forgot he was in pain too. He showed it much differently, so dont forget to give your man a hug too.

    giant hugs and love sent your way!

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  15. So sorry!!! I just went through the exact same thing...I had a miscarriage in August. I was 7 weeks along. I never thought it would happen to me and then, out of nowhere, it did. I was devastated! I feel your pain so deeply! Fortunately, I was able to recover quickly and miraculously got pregnant again two months later! My doctor told me that you are extra fertile after a miscarriage and that it was a strong possibility but I was pretty skeptical. Turns out, she was right! Now I'm 12 weeks along and this time we have a very healthy little baby! :) I'll be praying for you and your sweet family!

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  16. oh liz. i am so sorry dear. theres not a lot else i can say. ill be thinking and praying for you. sending lots of love your way.

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  17. Oh I am so sorry. You are such a sweet person, and I always look forward to reading your wonderful writing. I know you will be okay because of your faith, and wonderful family, but I also know that it is still sad. You are a wonderful mother. God Bless You.

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  18. I am so sorry. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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  19. oh elizabeth.. i am so sad for you. my heart is hurting. i know what deep grief comes with having a miscarriage. i am thinking of you, praying for you. may you have strength. i was shocked how much i needed to talk about it, cry about it and really feel the sorrow of the situation. please know i'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. wishing you well. give yourself time to think and mourn. oh, i am so sorry to hear that you are in the miscarriage club. it's the worst. sending you love.

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  20. i'm so sorry liz. thinking of you.

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  21. lizzy,

    i'm so sorry. and really appreciate you being so open about it. i hope you feel better again soon and that you heal fast. you will be in my prayers.

    much love,
    senja

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  22. I know its hard and seems like nothing anyone says will make it feel better, and that's because its true. I had a miscarriage on July 4th 2008, and it was hard and kept getting harder every month I wasn't pregnant after that, till I successfully concieved my second baby. I wish I could say it gets better, but when you have your next baby you will know that if you didn't lose this one you wouldn't have them. Good luck!

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  23. Sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad you have a joyful spirit and loving family to help you through this sad time. Please be sure to allow yourself time to grieve, it is so important to work through emotions and not supress them. Again, I am so sorry.

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  24. So sorry Liz. My thoughts are with you.

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  25. I know you didn't write this to receive a million comments of love and support, although I don't think it would hurt. My heart hurts for you and I will keep your sweet family in my prayers. And as you said, I have no doubt you will be blessed with more babies because you are a natural at being a mother. I love reading about your happy life. Keep sharing ;)

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  26. So so sorry Elizabeth. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way.

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  27. I hope writing this made you feel better, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I'm so sorry.

    Reading item 2 above about your husband climbing in bed with you with his work clothes on was a really sweet image. How blessed you are to have a caring husband and that sweet William.

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  28. I'm so so sorry Liz. My heart hurts for you. You are such an amazing woman, just like your mom. Sending my love and prayers your way.

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  29. I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you and for all these other women who have experienced such a devastating loss.

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  30. Oh liz, I'm so sorry! I've had a miscarriage before, and you are right. They are awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

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  31. I had a miscarriage between my 1st and 2nd son. Two things stood out to me about that season...first how literal the peace beyond comprehension can be in our lives. The Presence of God was so tangible, so comforting, so reassuring. And second, how the shadow of the child that never breathed still travels with me through life. Not in a depressing, heavy cloud kind of way but in a sweet, never to be forgotten way. Even after two more children...I still remember. I like to think that my child has a place in my heart even if he never had a place in this world.
    May the Presence of God comfort you beyond all comprehension this Holiday season.

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  32. I am so very sorry for your loss. I've been there twice and all I can say is take care of yourself. Your comforts are inspirational to me.

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  33. I am so sorry Liz. My heart ached as I read your post and I relived the miscarriage I had in August, in a small way. I admire you for being able to write about it. I still have not been able to write about mine. I guess it is about time. I was reading this post and thought I would share.
    http://www.agoodgrief.com/blog.php?id=1
    You are in my thoughts. I hope that you will be given many tender mercies that will comfort you and your family.

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  34. Oh my goodness - my heart is breaking for you. I'm glad you shared so that you can see the support of your blog community and how much we care for you. I'll be praying for you and your family.

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  35. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  36. Just wanted you to know I'm still thinking about you. Hoping today went OK. My husband and I have talked a lot today about our feelings about our lost little baby in March and still not being pregnant. And that it is OK. But I so remember that pain and just wanted you to know that we (me and my Dave) are thinking a lot about your little family today and praying for your both. Your husband will also mourn the loss of the baby but not many people will remember to acknowledge him. It is not intentional, it just happens that way. We go straight to the mother.

    I know your mom is there helping, my mom was with me too, but I received from great advice from a friend that I took and I wanted to share with you. I asked my friend to set up a few meals and to not let my Dave tell her no...that he could handle it. He needed a break too.

    It was nice to have each other to just sit and cry with and know dinner would be coming soon and he didn't have to think about what he was going to have to fix for our family. He was already busy trying to fix (help) me and himself. He fell apart about a week later when he didn't have to hold it together for me anymore and I was ready to start making dinner!

    Hang in there sweetie and know that many are offering prayers on your behalf today.

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  37. I'm sorry, Liz. Sending hugs, love, and prayers your way. Take care.

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  38. I have been there. I had a miscarriage after my 6th child. I had similar feelings. I was very happy when I got pregnant again, a few month later and had #7. No matter how many children you have it is an empty feeling. It would be soo hard for those that don't have other children. Take Care!

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  39. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now but have never commented. Tonight I couldn't leave without doing so.
    I am so so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel because I miscarried twice before have my 3 beautiful children. I understand the feeling of being completely heart broken and devastated. I'm so glad you have your family by your side and your faith to rely on. I believe it is a true test of our faith when a mother is faced with this trial of loss. Sending prayers your way tonight!

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  40. Liz, I've been thinking about you so much. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know that wouldn't help much. But I hope you know how much I love you and am praying for you. I know that you will be blessed with so many more beautiful, healthy, adorable children. Call me if you need ANYTHING... even just a listening ear. I am here for you... even if we're a state away. Love you.

    Erin

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  41. I'm so sorry Liz, I miscarried 5 months ago, time does heal. Heavenly Father knows each one of us and what we go through. When I was going through all of that my mom told me that sometimes we experience things so we can sympathize with and understand others better so we can help them through their hard times as well and be there for them. How true that has been for me at least. I know your pain and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. It will get better just give yourself time to heal. P.S. Blessings help a lot with the healing process too! ;)

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  42. Liz,

    I am so sorry this is something you have to face. I had two miscarriages in a row with the last one ending in a D&C and they are both as raw to me now as they were then. But with time you will slowly heal. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.
    My thoughts are with you.

    Julia

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  43. so sorry :( hope you feel better soon.

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  44. Love you Liz. I can understand your heartache and feelings of profound loss. Thinking of you and Davo...

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  45. SO,SO,SO, SORRY for your loss. i misscarried at 5 and half months on July 4, 2009. It has been the hardest thing for me to overcome. Just the other day I had a melt down because he would be a year old in Nov. and this would be his first Christmas walking around and getting into every thing I put out to decorate. Just grab on to your faith in Jesus Christ and don't let go. Be the women in the bible that said if I can just grab the hem of His garment I would be healed. Her faith,trust and belief inspire me to be that kind of woman. I ask the The Lord to increase my faith. And when I feel like I had no strength to carry on,I would put the image in my mind's eye, the precious Lord dragging his cross all the way to calvery. I draw strength from that. Honey the Lord was with you the whole time. He is in control in the begging,middle and end to every situation. He works all things for good to those that love him. God Bless you Liz. Rest in the Lord.

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  46. Thank you for sharing. I lost a child at 15 weeks this last August. His due date is rapidly coming up and I have been struggling recently. I want to feel him kicking in me; I want to celebrate his arrival; I want to hold him; smell him; love him. I have had a miscarriage before earlier on and am happy that yours was early on. For me, it was easier. Nobody knew yet with my first one, so only my parents had to be told. I'm an early weight gainer in pregnancy and was already in maternity clothes. My two young daughters were with me at the doctors office that day to hear the heartbeat, only to be told there was not one anymore. I am sorry to share my story... This day is about you and your pain. But, it feels good to share. My husband is in the military and was not home when I lost our baby and is not home now, either. I like the anonymity of sharing with you. I am glad to read that I am not crazy to feel this loss. I am glad that your family is there to help. I am glad that you see the blessings surrounding you now. My appreciation for what I have has grown. My prayers are with you at this difficult hour.

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  47. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I had 4 miscarriages before I had the 3 children I have now, so I really do know how you feel. Posting about it is quite remarkable and will help you with the healing process. I hope your D&C goes well. Let everyone else take care of you for a while - you deserve it :)

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  48. Long time reader but I've not commented before today.

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  49. Sending you love and prayers. I'm so sorry you and your husband are experiencing this loss.

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  50. I have had two miscarriages and two D and C. i am so sorry for your loss its never easy.

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  51. I am a long time reader and not so great commenter. I always look forward to reading your blog because your William and my baby are only a couple weeks apart in age. I was so sad to see your blog entry today. Elizabeth my heart goes out to you and your family. Even though I have not personally experienced this loss all too many of my friends and family have...the number almost unbelievable. I will be thinking and praying for you and your family.

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  52. I'm so sorry for your loss. That empty feeling can be devastating, I know. And sometimes it's worse around the holidays, when we think about what could have been, what should have been. I thought you might find some comfort in this poem, written by a friend named Kristi, from the perspective of a baby in Heaven: http://naomiscircle.blogspot.com/2010/12/first-christmas.html

    Again, I'm so sorry.

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  53. I feel like I should call you instead of posting an impersonal comment on your blog, but it's a little late to call right now and you're probably not in the mood to talk anyway. I just wanted to let you know I'm so, so sorry and I'll be praying that you'll feel peace and Heavenly Father's love.

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  54. ....sending lots of good thoughts and prayers, and also my gratitude for this post. So many, including myself, have suffered through miscarriage. Its nice when women can buoy each other up. I have been reading your blog for sometime, and I think you are an amazing person, example, and mother. Take care....

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  55. Oh Liz...I'm so sorry to hear of this...my thoughts and prayers are with you. <3

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  56. I had two miscarriages in a row...before my three kids.

    I know exactly what you mean about the emptiness. I just remember needing to talk about it...and time.

    I have read your blog for quite awhile, and you will be in my thoughts.
    Ashlyn

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  57. I just went through this experience in May of this year. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and like you, I thought I was just made to make babies. I was banking on the fact that my mother never had a miscarriage and I am so like her in many areas of my life. I hate that you are experiencing that emptiness and although I know we've had similar experiences, each person is unique in their suffering as well. Your family will be in my prayers. Take each day at a time!

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  58. Dear Lizzy,
    Marta introduced me to your blog yesterday and I am touched by your tender words. I am Erin, the grieving mother of Henry that you so graciously complimented. I am profoundly grateful that you found comfort in my ramblings during this difficult and tragic time in your life. I do not even know you but my heart goes out to you and your family after suffering such a loss. I hope you are able to comfort in your family and your faith during this time of year and thank you again for your graciousness.

    All best wishes,
    Erin

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  59. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  60. Wow. I know this.
    You are strong.
    Your family loves you.

    I understand.
    And it is okay to cry.

    http://carrmumble.blogspot.com/2010/07/rain-came-down.html

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  61. I've never commented on your blog before, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and I will be thinking of you. What a horrible thing to go through, and I hope you never have to experience it again.

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  62. My prayers are with you, Elizabeth. I have had a brother and a sister who have both passed away as infants. I'm not about to tell you that I understand what you're feeling (I really don't). I hope that you can find some peace and comfort through your knowledge that this earthly life is not the end, that your baby is in a wonderful place, and that one day you will get the opportunity to meet him or her.

    I hope that you're having a good day:)

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  63. I'm so sorry that you and David are going through this. My heart is heavy for you, but just as you know, God is Great.

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  64. Liz, I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends had a miscarriage at about 4 months this year and has kept a blog through her experience. I don't know if you're interested, here's the link: http://reflectionsoflifelostandfound.blogspot.com/

    We'll keep you in our prayers.

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